Since my last post on Nafella, our family has seen its share of drama.  As a parent of two teens, I am constantly drawn up short by their questions and examination of my actions and reactions to events that present themselves in the course of daily living.  Of note were two very upsetting encounters with adults who lied to me.

As a Christian mother who tries to live as a Christian every day and not just a couple of hours on Sunday morning, it has been very hard for me to forgive these adults who also call themselves ‘Christians’.  And, because my children have been directly involved with the ‘drama', it has been hard for me to explain how adults lie and, seemingly, not care about the hurt and pain they have caused by lying.

What is the highroad of parenting when it comes to dealing with stupidity, greed, deceit and laziness and other reprehensible behaviors of other parents and adults?  Especially, when it is hard to forgive them yourself, how do you teach forgiveness?

The trifecta of bad adult behavior this past year happened when an adult church leader lied repeatedly to me and my daughter, was  lazy beyond belief, did not prepare for many youth group and Sunday school meetings, and generally seemed clueless about how to interact in a meaningful way with teenagers.   Once he told one lie, he had to continue to lie to cover his previous lies.  

Of course, a closer, more compassionate inspection of a habitual liar will often reveal a very damaged, hurt, or lonely individual who is in the midst of a deeper crisis.  But, what do you do as a parent?  What is your own defense against such behaviors?  How do you get over your own shock and make this a teachable moment for your kids?  

At first, I tried to talk to the individual and, then, to his supervisor.  I put my concerns in writing to make sure there was a paper trail. When it became apparent that there was no interest in addressing our concerns in a real way, my husband and I were more concerned with how best to protect our children from this individual, to protect them from the drama of the larger 'church situation' that was unfolding, and how to still provide the type of Christian education when we had lost faith in our church's ability to 'do the right thing' by our child.

The hardest part, by far, was to shield them when it became more of a personal attack of me. My daughter was very unhappy with what was going on but, she wasn't ready to change churches yet.  It wasn't until Kick-Off Sunday that she begged to go to another church.  When I asked her why she wanted to leave....in her wisdom she so wisely pointed out, “He’s just the way he is, he is never going to change.  Why should we stay?”  I couldn't have said it better myself!

Which brings me to: what if those who are lying to you are family members?  Do you give up on them too?

It is hard if a mental illness interferes with the lives of those you love. It is also painful to not communicate with them in the effort to shield yourself and/or your family from further pain and heartache. It is equally painful if you've realized that much of your life has been built on lies. Most of these types of individuals are master manipulators. How do you
shield your children from such people while still allowing them to experience life without being damaged by them?

As parents, if a relationship is truly 'toxic' relationship, it is best to minimize contact with the family member.   There are some issues children cannot understand or want to hear about.  Even if you encourage open lines of communication with the family member, your first duty is to protect your children. Written communication is probably
best, as it can more easily be monitored by a parent.  Limiting contact is also a good way to prevent disappointment, as the 'toxic' family member may frequently come in and out of the child's life in dramatic ways.  

Modeling how to deal with a 'toxic' person involves, first,  being honest with yourself about the painfulness of the encounter and, second, talking to your children about your feelings.  Children do not need all the details but need to learn how to express hurt and pain.  Children also need to know that while adults are in charge, they may not have all the answers: sometimes, it is okay to keep the person at a distance, or confront him, or walk away.

And, sometimes, it means we need to forgive those who don’t deserve to be forgiven. After all, who are we to determine who ‘deserves’ forgiveness and who doesn’t?  Isn’t forgiveness more for the forgiver than for the forgiven?

Blessings on your day,

Martha

Martha Mikel-Hong, M.S.W., LCSW, is a Facilitator of the Love and Logic® approach to parenting.  She is available for workshops and individual counseling.  For more information, please contact her at Parenting Consultants, LLC,  (609) 275-7083 x 1  or marthamhongATgmailDOTcom